so here i am sitting up waiting for mike to get off work. i will be glad when these night shifts are over. it feels like i havent seen him for more that 5 minuets all week. and i miss him. although i have been spending alot of time with the girls. which has been great but sarah and erica wont hold my hand nor do they look at me the way he does. well not often. today he showed up at my work without the chin strap that he has been sporting for about a month. im happy to see it go but i was getting use to it.

so these last few weeks have felt weird. and i know its because of my grammy. i cant go to the hospitial to see her. it is way to hard, probly the hardest thing ive ever done. i guess i just dont know how to be that strong, you all know im toooo emotional for that kind of stuff. i keep finding myself standing in the corner fighting back the tears, but not doing a verry good job. i just, i cant smile, i cant laugh, i cant just stand there and act like nothing is wrong. there is something wrong!! my poor grandmother is laying ther skinny as a wrek, with toobs up her nose, dying. she has lost that look in her eyes that cares. that look that was alive. its suppose to be soon. but with each day that passes i wonder if tomarrow is it. i dont want her to suffer anymore. and whom ever or what ever she is holding on for, dont. just go because we will all be ok. we will be saddened beond beleive, but ok, eventually. its just so heard because everythig remindes me of her as im sure it all will forever. i just think that im not prepared for what this is going to do to me. i guess i should just be happy that this will be the first major family disaster in a verry long time. i have made it a wile.

well on a lighter note. me and air are heading out for a night on the town this saterday night and if anyone would like to come along, by all means give me a call. i dont get nearly enough phone calls anymore. 367-6183

so to one and all good night. this post has wasted a good half hour. and now its only 45 minuite till i get a big hug and a kiss. i need it.

care